I'll Be Home For Christmas

Mam’a and I, Christmas morning 2007, celebrating our last Christmas together.

Just wanted to say thank you to everyone who has been so wonderful on my return. It’s good to be home. Especially to be with my family, who have been so wonderful. The past few weeks have been great catching up and relaxing with my family. They have also been challenging. We had my dad’s mom’s funeral, which was very nice. It was good to see so much family I had not seen in a long time. We also had my mom’s mom’s estate sale. Special thanks to Cheryl, Mike, Kevin, and all those who shared special stories during your visit. You’ll never know how special that was.

The sale went well, all things considered. I am a very sentimental person, and I thought it would be more than I could take. But God’s grace really abounded, and he supplied the strength we needed. It was nice to be just me and mom for a couple of days as we prepared for the sale. Then dad came over and it was just the three of us. While it wasn’t an ideal scenario, I do treasure those last few days together in the house we have so many memories in.

The fact that my grandmother is gone is slowly starting to sink in. I still can’t seem to wrap my mind and heart around it. I knew this would be a struggle for me, so I asked my sister if she could video some of the funeral. That might seem odd, but I am the kind of person who needs to see the person in the casket to have closure. Of course, I have not felt ready enough to watch the video yet, which is probably one reason I am struggling to believe she is really gone. But each day that passes by, a few more tears come. And I am content to let my heart handle it in its own time.

I remember, on October 15, I was in Traralgon, VIC. I called mom and was talking to her on the phone. She was telling me that Mam’a was really not doing too well. I had exactly one month left until NET was finished and then it would be another 4 days after that til I landed in Tallahassee. I had been praying about what I would do if this situation happened—if I should stay or go home. I talked to mom about it. She assured me that I was where God wanted me and that Mam’a was proud of me and she knew I was where I should be. When I hung up, I began to pray that God would handle the situation the way that would work out the best for everyone involved. I had a day off that day. I went and lay down in bed and listened to my Ipod--- one song over and over. I’ll Be Home For Christmas by Bing Crosby. I will never hear that song again and not think of my Mam’a. Christmas is coming. I am home. So is Mam’a. Thank you, Jesus.

My family is trying to sort out a trip to go away for a few days over Christmas. To do something new and different, so that maybe the huge hole that is there won’t be quite so overwhelming. We had discussed not putting up decorations this year, but last week I decided that I had to put some up. I am staying with my parents right now, and I have been spending much of my day working around the house. I was sitting in the chair thinking about everything that had happened over this past year. And I decided I had to decorate. Because of the hope we have in Christ. Because this season is not about the pain of the cross. It is about the beauty of the gift. The beauty of a baby boy. And when I look at the tree, I do get sad because for the past 28 years I have shared this holiday with my amazing grandmother (and others who have since gone on). But I also get SO appreciative.

I have an amazing family. And I have so many beautiful memories. Just looking at the ornaments on the tree I am reminded of so many who have blessed our lives. There is a teddy bear I made in 1984 in my preschool class. There are cross-stitched ornaments from my Mama’s best friend, Mrs. Connie, who gave us a new ornament every year until her passing several years ago. There are these engraved brass ornaments from when my parents were married—“The Cunills, Our First Christmas, 1973.” “Baby’s First Christmas” ornaments from 1980 and 1984. There are ornaments representing hobbies we have had over the years and trips we have taken. Even seeing the lights reminds me of how my dad and I used to string them around the tree. He would stand on one side and me on the other. He would hand them to me around the back of the tree (the part that was up against the wall that neither of us could get past), and I would string them around the front, then hand them to him, then run back to grab them from his arm reaching around the back. We used to have these old fashioned lights with these pointy plastic parts that went over the bulb, in order to help it sparkle. But they would fall off and we would step on them. They hurt like heck! I can still picture my dad stepping on them. It was Kari’s job to watch for those so that we didn’t step on them, and then put them back on the strand, since she was still little.

Today I was cleaning out a closet and found a box of cassettes. I was throwing some away, because most of them are REALLY old, and we don’t have but one tape player. There was a blank tape in there, and I decided to see what was on it before I threw it away.

I had to laugh. It was a Christmas tape of Vince Gill music. My grandmother was a MAJOR Vince Gill fan. I must have been making her a copy of a tape we had. But this must have been before we had a dual deck cassette player so you could dub tapes. I used to play the cassette in one tape player while recording with another. Ahh, the good ole days! So on this tape is Vince Gill singing while, in the background, my family gets ready for church. It must be a Christmas service, as my mom is telling me to get a Christmas bow for my hair, etc. It’s funny because I know that back then, if I had known our conversation from the bathroom was being recorded as my mom brushed our hair and got us ready, I would have been really frustrated because it “ruined” my recording. Now here it is, probably 18 years later, and I have listened to that tape several times today just to hear my mom and dad talking with us, and appreciating what amazing parents I had.

So, I just wanted to write a little something to say, Happy Advent. And to encourage you to treasure the little things—like combing your children’s hair, decorating the tree, and even stepping on the pointy things. Appreciate your family, enjoy your friends, and really soak in the peace and joy of the season. And if there is some sadness in this season for you because you are missing someone special, treasure that emotion. Just let it pour over you as you remember the special times you had with that person. The way they felt. The way they smelled. The sound of their voice. Your tears are a tribute to their life. And sing your carols loud. My most treasured memory this season is remembering my Mam’a singing Christmas Carols. She didn’t have the best voice, but that is precisely why it was so memorable—and beautiful. Merry Christmas.

Home.

I arrived stateside just a few hours ago. My beautiful mother met me with a huge hug, a balloon and a bag of goodies. I was exhausted after 40+ hours of travel. I talked to my dad on the phone and found out that his mother, my Mimi, passed away this morning. Thank you for your prayers. We have peace that it was her time to go. We will head to Mobile Friday for the funeral.

I am still so tired that everything seems surreal. I came home, found that my bag of goodies was new PJs, and yummy smelling soap and lotion. So, I endulged myself with a shower, and I am now relaxing and unpacking a bit. I think everything is yet to set in... I look forward to taking it easy as it all does. Thank you all so much for your prayers and support. Keep reading, as I will be writing more as I process this amazing year.

Amazing Love

I am sitting in LAX waiting for my flight to Charlotte and then Tally. God reminded me today that even as I leave this incredible experience, His love is everywhere and he will go the mile to show it to me. As I flew from Brissie to Fiji, I was surrounded by about 40 National Rugby League players from Fiji. Apparantly the police forces from half a dozen countries have teams that compete in the World Cup. I was surrounded by this year's winners, and I got to hold the cup! :)

So, where is God in all of this???? At the end of our trip they all started singing this song in their language and it said, "I Know the Lord Will Make a Way for Me." Then they bust out in Amazing Love. 40 muscular, masculine footy players singing in beautiful harmony. I had to laugh. Thanks Jesus for reminding me what a small world we live in and you are everywhere.

Praise God from Whom All Blessings Flow

What a ride. These pictures were taken after our final prayer time as a team. These last 10 days have been a rollercoaster. On Nov 1 (Oct 31 back home), I found out my beautiful and amazing grandmother, Marion Lee, passed away. I am heartbroken. Devestated that I didn't get back in time to say a final goodbye. But thank God for my mom's wisdom. She told me when I left to say goodbye as if i might not see her again. So I did that back in January. And then I said goodbye in my own ways over the year and recently. She knows I loved her. While the grief is overwhelming, I have done my best not to focus on how much of a hole she leaves behind, but to focus on the amazing beauty and gift of her life. I was SO INCREDIBLY BLESSED to have her as my Mam'a. She was amazing and she lived her life to serve others. She has been a model of Christ's love since I was a child, and in her memory, I have tried especially hard in these last 2 weeks of ministry and team life, to live the love and compassion she lived daily. I feel like that is the best gift I could give her and what she would have wanted.

Please also keep Miriam Cunill, my dad's mother, in your prayers. I received a call from my sister today saying she is quite sick and they don't think she will make it through the night. These are tough times. On top of the grief related to my family, this past week has been debriefing, and tomorrow morning is our final mass and banquet. I have been decommissioned from my team. It's a bittersweet feeling. I praise God for the amazing year I have had. An incredibly talented and loving team. Awesome ministry opportunities. The chance to learn so much about myself, and the opportunity for God to reveal his glory through my weakness.

I know there is a trainwreck of joy and grief inside... its just a matter of when it releases. I am here in Oz for just 4 more days. All of which are jam packed with joyous times-- my team is going to a waterpark to celebrate-- and sad times of saying goodbye. I am scarily at peace with everything right now. Everytime I start to get sad at something I will miss, the feeling is pushed away by gratitude. Gratitude that I even was privledged enough to participate in this year. To be a part of something greater. To know these amazing individuals and to meet so many wonderful people in our travels. The chance to gain a greater understanding of Christ's love. What it is to love and to be loved. To understand forgiveness. Truly. And there is SOOO much more. I am seriously considering writing a book!

I will return to Tallahassee in a few days. I am bringing much less baggage with me than I took-- both figuratively and literally. I have laid down so much at Jesus' feet this year. And praise God that I am a sinner because it has allowed him to work his power and his glory in me. Hopefully I will be able to share my story and lead others to the FREEDOM that comes only in HIM.

I am excited to be back, but anxious about the transition too. I have so much processing to do. I look forward to seeing all of you that I have missed for SO long, but don't be hurt if it takes me a while to get up with you. I think it will take me a while to take my current lifestyle, reaccess my old lifestyle and meld the two together into a person I am proud of. I know this will take much pruning, which can be painful, but is so lifegiving! Thank you for understanding and being patient with me during this time of transition. God has blessed me with all of you, and I pray for you daily.

Homesick in the Homestretch!

Well, after 10 months, I have exactly one week left of ministry and then one week of debrief before heading home to Tallahassee. I am so very excited to see my family and friends, but I am also broken hearted about leaving my team and this experience. This year has been incredible. I will never be able to thank enough all of you who supported me in this journey.

Please pray for me as I begin this transition home. My grandmother is still very sick and is moving to the Hospice house soon. I am struggling very much with it being so close to the end of my year and the possibility that I might never see her again (in this world). Then there is the grief of my team, who has become like family this year, parting ways. As the team leader this year, I feel like my whole purpose this year has been to bring these amazing people together in such a way that brought out their talents in the best way to serve God. And now, as we prepare to part, I find myself wondering what purpose God has for me next. But then again, I know I am sometimes seeking this "great plan" when maybe it is simply to love everyday as best I can.

So, my plan for now is to come home and "debrief" this experience. Figure out the next step. I recently updated my resume and have been thinking lately about how this year will look to an employers. "So... you were working at a job you loved and you left. Why was that again? *looking down at resume* oh.... hmmm... i see... to evangelize."

My co-team leader recently gave a talk at a retreat on life choices. He quoted this scripture...

The Rich Young Man (Matt 19: 16-28)Now a man came up to Jesus and asked, "Teacher, what good thing must I do to get eternal life?"

"Why do you ask me about what is good?" Jesus replied. "There is only One who is good. If you want to enter life, obey the commandments."

"Which ones?" the man inquired.

Jesus replied, " 'Do not murder, do not commit adultery, do not steal, do not give false testimony, honor your father and mother, and 'love your neighbor as yourself."

"All these I have kept," the young man said. "What do I still lack?"

Jesus answered, "If you want to be perfect, go, sell your possessions and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me."

When the young man heard this, he went away sad, because he had great wealth.

Then Jesus said to his disciples, "I tell you the truth, it is hard for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven. Again I tell you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God."

When the disciples heard this, they were greatly astonished and asked, "Who then can be saved?"

Jesus looked at them and said, "With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible."

Peter answered him, "We have left everything to follow you! What then will there be for us?"

Jesus said to them, "I tell you the truth, at the renewal of all things, when the Son of Man sits on his glorious throne, you who have followed me will also sit on twelve thrones, judging the twelve tribes of Israel. And everyone who has left houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother or children or fields for my sake will receive a hundred times as much and will inherit eternal life. But many who are first will be last, and many who are last will be first.

It was this scripture that lead to my teammate's conversion. He was raised a catholic, but had become an athiest during university. Because he didn't believe in eternal life, he began to feel empthy inside and purposeless. So he began to fill the hole in his heart with drinking, partying, relationships, etc. Then he was invited to a retreat. He went because some friends he knew were going. During this retreat, he read the gospels and came to beleive in Jesus and that he died for him and his sins. It was during reading this scripture that he realized that his happiness, his joy, his fulfillment and his hope all were found in Jesus. He turned his life and all his dreams over to Jesus. This included taking time off university to serve on NET.

In the talk he was giving, he was talking about how choosing to follow Jesus above all else doesn't mean that all of us are called to serve a year overseas in mission. But it does mean that, in whatever field we are in, whatever stage of life we are in, wherever we are that day, we are called to love and serve God and our neighbor above ourself. And I struggle with that! But as the scripture says, "With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible."

So, I have been thinking and praying a lot about this. And I trust God to take care of the next steps in my life, if I can just be obedient. So, please keep me in your prayers during this transition. That as I return home I can somehow bring together all that I left behind and all that I have learned this year to be a better person than I was at the start of all this. And that I can discover God's purpose for this time in my life. See you soon!

Identity.

I find I am constantly in search of who I am. Which is not a bad thing. I reckon we are all constantly discovering ourselves. But I found that for myself, there were two areas I often focused on to find who “Mary Lee” is... My past and my future potential.

When I look at my past, I see my experiences, achievements, mistakes and shortcomings. And when I look at my potential future, I see all the things I desire to be or do and the things the world expects me to be or do.

What I have discovered in analyzing this is that when I look to my past, it makes me nothing more than the sum of my mistakes. I look at the person I was 2, 5, 10, 20 years ago and replay choices I made. I find that I look at choices I made as a 12 or 23-year-old with the wisdom of a 28 year old and beat myself up for stupid decisions. I fail to realize that without making those choices at the time, I might not have the wisdom I do now.

Laying in bed at night and focusing on my poor choices-- choices made based on my fears-- is immobilizing. It paralyzes me. Takes my focus off the good I can do and reminds me how unworthy I am. Man... this is Satan's favorite game to play and it seems I am always a willing contestant. He loves to tap into my fears. Fears of not being enough, of being too much, of failing, of succeeding, of being rejected, of being alone. You name it, he plays that card. And I have reacted based on these fears... fears that had little basis but my actions did heaps of real damage. Then, he loves to shove the damage I have done in my face and make me feel horrible and worthless.

I was chatting with a priest in reconciliation recently and he reminded me, “God has forgiven you of your sins. And guilt and shame are not of God. So if you are faced with memories of mistakes from your past, and you have apologized and done everything in your power to remedy them, then if they continue to plague you, ask Jesus what he wants you to learn from them, learn it, and then ask him to take the memories from your mind.” I found solace in this advice, and have been asking Jesus to remove the memories that plague me. In doing this, I have been realizing more and more the power of each moment.

All I really have is this day. Actually, all I really have is this moment. Because you see, 10 seconds ago, I may have opened my mouth and said something, and whether I meant it to be hurtful or not, I see by the reaction of the person I am speaking to that they were wounded by my words. And in THIS MOMENT, I choose. I choose whether or not to acknowledge that I have hurt them and if it was unintentional--seek understanding as to why it happened. Or if it was intentional, apologize. And if I am not courageous enough to do it in that moment, I have the opportunity to do it at any moment after that as well. So basically, I see my life as a compilation of moments. And my challenge is to choose right in everyone. And if I mess up, to accept that and do everything in my power to fix it, and then MOVE ON. It's the moving on part that I often get hung up in. Guilt and shame are not of God. Once I turn to God and ask forgiveness, he makes me new. WE ARE A NEW CREATION-- PRAISE GOD! We are forgiven of our past.

There is a song I have fallen in love with by Brooke Fraser. It is called Arithmetic. Some of the words are:

I've been counting up all my wrongs
One sorry for each star
See I'd apologise my way to you
If the heavens stretched that far
You are the one I want, you are the one I want

I won't find what I am looking for
If I only "see" by keeping score
'Cos I know now you are so much more than arithmetic

'Cos if I add, if I subtract
If I give it all, try to take some back
I've forgotten the freedom that comes from the fact
That you are the sum
So you are the one I want

I love this song because it reminds me that I am so much more than just the sum of my mistakes and my achievements (many of which I have done in an attempt to make up for my mistakes). They are NOT my identity. My identity is found in Christ. God doesn't care about the poor choices I have made. He doesn't care how many times I have chosen to do the right thing. He doesn't care how many miles I have traveled this year. How many kids I have talked to. How much I gave up or how much I receieved. What he cares about is me. He is in love with me. He wants me to be in love with him. He wants my life to revolve around him. Not in a selfish way, but because that is what I was created for. I was not put on this earth to be a size 2, make a million dollars, start a foundation for the poor, get university degrees, travel to a hundred places, have a hundred friends, drive the best car, live in a nice house or live in a not-so-nice house because I gave all my money away. All those are great accomplishments. But I have come to know that nothing I do or don't do can make him love me any more or any less. He already loves me with all he is.

That doesn't remove me from responsibility. He has surrounded me with a world full of brothers and sisters I am charged with loving. And he has given me talents that have a purpose-- to worship him, serve others and build his kingdom (1 Cor 12:4-7). But it does free me from societal pressures to perform. To measure up to certain standards set in place by the world. I love this line...

'Cos if I add, if I subtract
If I give it all, try to take some back
I've forgotten the freedom that comes from the fact
That you are the sum

He is the sum. He is the all. The end and the beginning. Nothing can be added to him or taken away from him. I am found in him. I am alive in him. He is my reason. He is my identity. And true freedom is found in surrendering all I am and all I have to him.

You, my brothers, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the sinful nature, rather, serve on another in love. The entire law is summed up in a single commande: “Love your neighbor as yourself.” If you keep on biting and devouring each other, watch out or you will be destroyed by each other. Galatians 5:13-15

Seems easy... love your neighbor as yourself. So why is it such a struggle? I have a million thoughts on that, but that is for next time. If you also find it a struggle, maybe email me and let me know why and how you overcome it. I am constantly seeking to learn.

In the meantime, as I continue to mess up, I've found trying to do the following makes choosing right a bit easier. Please pray for me as I strive to:

1.Accept responsibility for all I do and don't do.
2.Be quick to acknowledge when I mess up and apologize
3.Compare myself to noone.
4.Define success in my own terms.

Thank you for loving me, forgiving me, accepting me and allowing me to grow and change. I'm blessed to call you all friends.

Prayer Request-- Mam'a

Please keep my grandmother in your prayers. She has been ill for a while, but has gotten pretty bad as of late. Please pray for her healing and comfort, and for my family as they help nurse her back to health. This is a really challenging time and any prayers are appreciated. God bless you and yours-- especially with the holidays quickly approaching. Love, ML