Preparing for a spiritual gestation period...

My friend Angela is always talking about how we shouldn't strive for happiness because happiness is fleeting. But rather, we should seek joy and peace in our lives. That all encompassing feeling of contentment in the life we live and the choices we make.

Today is an interesting day. I am up at church helping with a youth retreat, and it reminds me of my younger days involved with the youth group. I miss those days gone by. There are people here at church that I have known for 10 years. As a matter of fact, September 21, 1997 is what I would consider my "spiritual birthday." It was the day I turned my life over completely and fully to God, asking him to be my Lord.

So it only seems fitting that this 10 year anniversary brought an opportunity to "get away with God" as I began my preparation for the mission field. With the thought of leaving in the forefront of my mind, I have been contemplating how much we take for granted. At any moment, I can reach over and give my best friend a hug. I can laugh with my friends and look at their faces. In less than 2 months, I will be half way around the world from them. I won't be able to see their smiles, reach out and touch them, or give them a hug. The thought of this makes tears well up in my eyes. As a matter of fact, I can't think fully about all my blessings because it overwhelms me and I will not be able to stop crying.

But I have spent much of the morning wondering what the true tragedy is... is it that I will miss them when they are not near me next year? Or is it that they have been here the last 10 years or more, and I didn't take every opportunity I had to tell them or show them how much they meant to me?

Perhaps it is a little bit of both. It's unfortunate that we don't always fully appreciate what we have until we are faced with losing it. I hope this year will teach me a way to live in the moment and to truly be 100% present to each situation. I actually had heard of this theory of "Full Engagement." It is to be fully engaged in each sitaution you are in, rather than mentally being elsewhere. For example, when sitting in mass, be 100% present, rather than making a grocery list in your head, replaying last night's discussions, thinking of a stressful situation at work, etc. Or actually tasting the food you are eating instead of just swallowing it while you watch tv. Or appreciating a phone call from a friend. Next year, with the 14 hour time difference and lack of cell phone, the opportunity to get to chat on the phone with friends will be limited.

I don't yet know what God has in store for me this year. I suppose in some ways I look at it like a pregnancy... a period of growth that is accompanied by discomfort, and at some times excruciating pain, but you know it is totally worth it because of the incredible gift of a new person at the end of the process. You don't know who that new person will be, but you know that they are a gift to the world and will touch the lives of many.

I would like to ask for prayers as I continue to prepare myself for next year. That I can be the best person I can be and give 100% of myself to the youth we work with. And pray, as I have begun to, for all the people we will encounter along the way. That God would open their hearts and prepare them for what we have to offer. And that God would open my heart to all they have to offer. If nothing else, life has shown me that they will gift me with far more than I could ever hope to offer them!

So please... your continued prayers. And in the meantime, if you see me and we embrace-- that hug will have to last me all next year-- so don't think I am such a freak for holding on a little longer than usual and maybe shedding a few tears. :)