Back in Brissy

Back in Brissy

So, as of this past Tuesday, we are back in Brisbane. I am sorry for not having written in a while. I have had very limited access to the internet. I decided that what I will do, since I do have my computer with me, is write updates more regularly and then just post them whenever I have access to the net. So, I may be posting several updates at once in the future.

So, since I last wrote, a lot has happened. We have had a few changes made to our team, so there are now 9 of us—3 Americans, 2 Canadians, 3 Aussies and 1 Kiwi. 4 guys and 5 gals. This is the smallest National Team they have ever had. Typically there are 12 on team. So, needless to say, we will be working harder and longer than other teams in the past, but we are up for the challenge. We finished up our training at the Camp, and have spent this week in Brisbane doing practice retreats. Starting this Monday will be our first retreat, so please keep us and the retreatants in your prayers.

Tonight (Saturday evening) was our Commissioning Mass. It was incredible! The Archbishop of Brisbane said mass, prayed with us, and sent us forth. I was honoured to be asked to speak on behalf of the Net Team in response to our commissioning. So I gave a short speech on behalf of all our teams thanking the Archbishop and sharing with him how excited and committed we are to this mission. I was a bit nervous, hoping that I would do our teams justice. But, the Holy Spirit gave me some great words, and I was humbled to be His vessel. The whole evening was beautiful and full of the Spirit, and it was a great note to be sent off on.

So tomorrow, we have our first team day. This is where we get together as a team, have team prayer and just get to hang out and have fun. We do team prayer daily for 45 minutes, but this one is more relaxed as it doesn’t follow a retreat or training. J The plan is to head to SouthBank—a park/metro type area to hang out, play some sport and sun a bit. I am really excited to have a day down to just relax.

I reached a point yesterday where I really just wanted a bit of time to myself. I have been surrounded by others since I arrived a month ago, and I guess, with spending so much time in prayer and focusing on the teachings of Jesus, a ton of stuff has been stirring in my heart. It’s hard because there are some days when I will be overwhelmed by some revelation, but then I have to go on all day working on retreat stuff. All day it will nag at my mind, but I cannot sit down and put time into fully working it all out in my head and heart. So the past few weeks have been this way. I can only compare it to trying to read 15 books at once. You lose the plot on some because there are so many going on at once. It makes me wonder if this is what it is like being a contemplative or cloistered. I have always wondered what people who took vows of silence or lived outside the world thought about. Perhaps God just reveals soo much to them, it takes a whole lifetime of thinking and praying to get it all worked out.

Some of the areas that God has been speaking to my heart about… and I can’t really tell you much more about it at this point other than there are dozens of tornados going on inside me as I try to sort it all out…

1. Sexuality. And not strictly in a sexual sense, but more – how God created us male and female. Different yet equal. To be help mates to each other. And how our sexuality, or our masculinity and femininity are so core to who we are. They are what makes us who we are. They dictate our desires, our roles, our goals in life. And how society often devalues both masculinity and femininity, rather than honouring both for what they bring to our lives. And I believe that in this happening, we have somehow forgotten to honour each other. We have become critical of each other and fear not being enough or being too much, so we temper our true selves. And the result of this also leads to devaluing of physical intimacy. And in this devaluing, we continue to use and wound each other, ultimately leaving us feeling empty rather than fulfilled.

2. Fullness of Life. What does it mean to lead a fulfilling life? What brings fullness of life? Where do we find it and once we do, how do we maintain it? How do we live the principles of holiness in a world that is often calling us to put ourselves first? How can we make a difference and matter, yet remain completely humble and die to self?

3. Transformation. If I come over here and I realize that, even though I was trying to live as a good Christian, I always fell short, how do I change without being seen as a hypocrite? Without people saying, “Yeah, she talks a big talk, but when she was here, she didn’t live that way.” I would say that has been one of my greatest struggles while here. Is realizing that even though I thought I lived a pretty good life, I was falling WAY short everyday. And in a way, there is a fear of returning to my life when this experience is over. Because I don’t yet know how to mesh the two—my life in Tallahassee and my life here. And man, it is humbling to write on this blog, because each time I do, I worry that someone out there is reading it and thinking me a hypocrite. And if they did, it would be justified. But all I can say is that, in every moment I try to keep growing. I cannot change what I have done in the past, and I will continue to make mistakes in the future. All I can do is ask forgiveness and try my best to make amends for the things I have done.

4. Speech. The power of speech to build up and to tear down. And how much time I spent talking and saying nothing. Or saying nothing lifegiving. I am surprised at how quiet I can be over here. When I stop talking and when so much busyness and noise is removed, I can actually hear His voice. And it leaves me silent. They have talked so much about the sin of gossip over here, and how it divides, tears down and hurts others. Even when you are trying to tell someone something in the hope that you are helping another. i.e. “Please pray for X as they are having a hard time back home.” Even that is no one’s business. And because we come from so many different places, small talk can be difficult. Really, the only thing we ALL have in common is encountering Jesus. So when you sit down and talk to someone and there is no small talk or talk about another, it means one thing… there is only one place to go and that is deep. It’s tough. It means often as we get to know each other there is much vulnerability. It’s a challenge to put your heart out there. People are human and you know it’s bound to get hurt somewhere along the way. But I believe that is what God wants of us. Especially us as women. To bring beauty to the world by sharing our hearts. To hopefully show others His love by our example and our witness.

5. Division among Christians. What I mean is… I have been thinking a lot about how people can focus on the small stuff, and in the process, lose the big picture. Everyone has their “thing” in worshipping. Some people are rules people and really get into following the law of scripture or tradition. Some people like certain types of prayer or devotions. Some people really focus on forgiveness and try to reach out to the wounded. I guess I have been learning more how there is a place and a need for all of those. And I feel like, though it is tough, we would be in such a better place if we used all our strengths to unite us rather than to pull us apart. I mean, ultimately, we are all trying to do what we think is right and what is building the kingdom. And God needs all kinds… Right?

6. God’s Calling. If God asked me to hand it all over. Everything. Kinda like Job. Would I be able to do it? Just give it all up, trusting that in doing so he had a greater plan? Just a thought.

So… these are a few of the things buzzing around in my head with no where to land and no solutions in sight. I am reading a book right now called Captivating by Stasi Eldredge. It is the companion book to Wild at Heart by John Eldredge. If you haven’t read either of these, pick them up today. I had read Wild at Heart at the request of a male friend of mine. It is for men, but it gave me much insight to them. I am currently reading Captivating, for women, but it will offer you much insight to the female heart. These books touch on some of the stuff I was talking about regarding our sexuality (masculinity/femininity). Great stuff!

I miss all of you and have been praying for you. The plan as of now is that we will be in Brissy for the next 3 weeks. I should get our yearly schedule soon and be able to let you know more. Also, please know that now that we have moved into Host homes, I will have limited access to phone and email, so please don’t think I am ignoring you or not trying to keep up. We just have packed schedules and are trying to be considerate of our host homes. Thank you for understanding and I will continue to do my best to keep in touch. I will put up pics soon.