Identity.

I find I am constantly in search of who I am. Which is not a bad thing. I reckon we are all constantly discovering ourselves. But I found that for myself, there were two areas I often focused on to find who “Mary Lee” is... My past and my future potential.

When I look at my past, I see my experiences, achievements, mistakes and shortcomings. And when I look at my potential future, I see all the things I desire to be or do and the things the world expects me to be or do.

What I have discovered in analyzing this is that when I look to my past, it makes me nothing more than the sum of my mistakes. I look at the person I was 2, 5, 10, 20 years ago and replay choices I made. I find that I look at choices I made as a 12 or 23-year-old with the wisdom of a 28 year old and beat myself up for stupid decisions. I fail to realize that without making those choices at the time, I might not have the wisdom I do now.

Laying in bed at night and focusing on my poor choices-- choices made based on my fears-- is immobilizing. It paralyzes me. Takes my focus off the good I can do and reminds me how unworthy I am. Man... this is Satan's favorite game to play and it seems I am always a willing contestant. He loves to tap into my fears. Fears of not being enough, of being too much, of failing, of succeeding, of being rejected, of being alone. You name it, he plays that card. And I have reacted based on these fears... fears that had little basis but my actions did heaps of real damage. Then, he loves to shove the damage I have done in my face and make me feel horrible and worthless.

I was chatting with a priest in reconciliation recently and he reminded me, “God has forgiven you of your sins. And guilt and shame are not of God. So if you are faced with memories of mistakes from your past, and you have apologized and done everything in your power to remedy them, then if they continue to plague you, ask Jesus what he wants you to learn from them, learn it, and then ask him to take the memories from your mind.” I found solace in this advice, and have been asking Jesus to remove the memories that plague me. In doing this, I have been realizing more and more the power of each moment.

All I really have is this day. Actually, all I really have is this moment. Because you see, 10 seconds ago, I may have opened my mouth and said something, and whether I meant it to be hurtful or not, I see by the reaction of the person I am speaking to that they were wounded by my words. And in THIS MOMENT, I choose. I choose whether or not to acknowledge that I have hurt them and if it was unintentional--seek understanding as to why it happened. Or if it was intentional, apologize. And if I am not courageous enough to do it in that moment, I have the opportunity to do it at any moment after that as well. So basically, I see my life as a compilation of moments. And my challenge is to choose right in everyone. And if I mess up, to accept that and do everything in my power to fix it, and then MOVE ON. It's the moving on part that I often get hung up in. Guilt and shame are not of God. Once I turn to God and ask forgiveness, he makes me new. WE ARE A NEW CREATION-- PRAISE GOD! We are forgiven of our past.

There is a song I have fallen in love with by Brooke Fraser. It is called Arithmetic. Some of the words are:

I've been counting up all my wrongs
One sorry for each star
See I'd apologise my way to you
If the heavens stretched that far
You are the one I want, you are the one I want

I won't find what I am looking for
If I only "see" by keeping score
'Cos I know now you are so much more than arithmetic

'Cos if I add, if I subtract
If I give it all, try to take some back
I've forgotten the freedom that comes from the fact
That you are the sum
So you are the one I want

I love this song because it reminds me that I am so much more than just the sum of my mistakes and my achievements (many of which I have done in an attempt to make up for my mistakes). They are NOT my identity. My identity is found in Christ. God doesn't care about the poor choices I have made. He doesn't care how many times I have chosen to do the right thing. He doesn't care how many miles I have traveled this year. How many kids I have talked to. How much I gave up or how much I receieved. What he cares about is me. He is in love with me. He wants me to be in love with him. He wants my life to revolve around him. Not in a selfish way, but because that is what I was created for. I was not put on this earth to be a size 2, make a million dollars, start a foundation for the poor, get university degrees, travel to a hundred places, have a hundred friends, drive the best car, live in a nice house or live in a not-so-nice house because I gave all my money away. All those are great accomplishments. But I have come to know that nothing I do or don't do can make him love me any more or any less. He already loves me with all he is.

That doesn't remove me from responsibility. He has surrounded me with a world full of brothers and sisters I am charged with loving. And he has given me talents that have a purpose-- to worship him, serve others and build his kingdom (1 Cor 12:4-7). But it does free me from societal pressures to perform. To measure up to certain standards set in place by the world. I love this line...

'Cos if I add, if I subtract
If I give it all, try to take some back
I've forgotten the freedom that comes from the fact
That you are the sum

He is the sum. He is the all. The end and the beginning. Nothing can be added to him or taken away from him. I am found in him. I am alive in him. He is my reason. He is my identity. And true freedom is found in surrendering all I am and all I have to him.

You, my brothers, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the sinful nature, rather, serve on another in love. The entire law is summed up in a single commande: “Love your neighbor as yourself.” If you keep on biting and devouring each other, watch out or you will be destroyed by each other. Galatians 5:13-15

Seems easy... love your neighbor as yourself. So why is it such a struggle? I have a million thoughts on that, but that is for next time. If you also find it a struggle, maybe email me and let me know why and how you overcome it. I am constantly seeking to learn.

In the meantime, as I continue to mess up, I've found trying to do the following makes choosing right a bit easier. Please pray for me as I strive to:

1.Accept responsibility for all I do and don't do.
2.Be quick to acknowledge when I mess up and apologize
3.Compare myself to noone.
4.Define success in my own terms.

Thank you for loving me, forgiving me, accepting me and allowing me to grow and change. I'm blessed to call you all friends.