I'll Be Home For Christmas

Mam’a and I, Christmas morning 2007, celebrating our last Christmas together.

Just wanted to say thank you to everyone who has been so wonderful on my return. It’s good to be home. Especially to be with my family, who have been so wonderful. The past few weeks have been great catching up and relaxing with my family. They have also been challenging. We had my dad’s mom’s funeral, which was very nice. It was good to see so much family I had not seen in a long time. We also had my mom’s mom’s estate sale. Special thanks to Cheryl, Mike, Kevin, and all those who shared special stories during your visit. You’ll never know how special that was.

The sale went well, all things considered. I am a very sentimental person, and I thought it would be more than I could take. But God’s grace really abounded, and he supplied the strength we needed. It was nice to be just me and mom for a couple of days as we prepared for the sale. Then dad came over and it was just the three of us. While it wasn’t an ideal scenario, I do treasure those last few days together in the house we have so many memories in.

The fact that my grandmother is gone is slowly starting to sink in. I still can’t seem to wrap my mind and heart around it. I knew this would be a struggle for me, so I asked my sister if she could video some of the funeral. That might seem odd, but I am the kind of person who needs to see the person in the casket to have closure. Of course, I have not felt ready enough to watch the video yet, which is probably one reason I am struggling to believe she is really gone. But each day that passes by, a few more tears come. And I am content to let my heart handle it in its own time.

I remember, on October 15, I was in Traralgon, VIC. I called mom and was talking to her on the phone. She was telling me that Mam’a was really not doing too well. I had exactly one month left until NET was finished and then it would be another 4 days after that til I landed in Tallahassee. I had been praying about what I would do if this situation happened—if I should stay or go home. I talked to mom about it. She assured me that I was where God wanted me and that Mam’a was proud of me and she knew I was where I should be. When I hung up, I began to pray that God would handle the situation the way that would work out the best for everyone involved. I had a day off that day. I went and lay down in bed and listened to my Ipod--- one song over and over. I’ll Be Home For Christmas by Bing Crosby. I will never hear that song again and not think of my Mam’a. Christmas is coming. I am home. So is Mam’a. Thank you, Jesus.

My family is trying to sort out a trip to go away for a few days over Christmas. To do something new and different, so that maybe the huge hole that is there won’t be quite so overwhelming. We had discussed not putting up decorations this year, but last week I decided that I had to put some up. I am staying with my parents right now, and I have been spending much of my day working around the house. I was sitting in the chair thinking about everything that had happened over this past year. And I decided I had to decorate. Because of the hope we have in Christ. Because this season is not about the pain of the cross. It is about the beauty of the gift. The beauty of a baby boy. And when I look at the tree, I do get sad because for the past 28 years I have shared this holiday with my amazing grandmother (and others who have since gone on). But I also get SO appreciative.

I have an amazing family. And I have so many beautiful memories. Just looking at the ornaments on the tree I am reminded of so many who have blessed our lives. There is a teddy bear I made in 1984 in my preschool class. There are cross-stitched ornaments from my Mama’s best friend, Mrs. Connie, who gave us a new ornament every year until her passing several years ago. There are these engraved brass ornaments from when my parents were married—“The Cunills, Our First Christmas, 1973.” “Baby’s First Christmas” ornaments from 1980 and 1984. There are ornaments representing hobbies we have had over the years and trips we have taken. Even seeing the lights reminds me of how my dad and I used to string them around the tree. He would stand on one side and me on the other. He would hand them to me around the back of the tree (the part that was up against the wall that neither of us could get past), and I would string them around the front, then hand them to him, then run back to grab them from his arm reaching around the back. We used to have these old fashioned lights with these pointy plastic parts that went over the bulb, in order to help it sparkle. But they would fall off and we would step on them. They hurt like heck! I can still picture my dad stepping on them. It was Kari’s job to watch for those so that we didn’t step on them, and then put them back on the strand, since she was still little.

Today I was cleaning out a closet and found a box of cassettes. I was throwing some away, because most of them are REALLY old, and we don’t have but one tape player. There was a blank tape in there, and I decided to see what was on it before I threw it away.

I had to laugh. It was a Christmas tape of Vince Gill music. My grandmother was a MAJOR Vince Gill fan. I must have been making her a copy of a tape we had. But this must have been before we had a dual deck cassette player so you could dub tapes. I used to play the cassette in one tape player while recording with another. Ahh, the good ole days! So on this tape is Vince Gill singing while, in the background, my family gets ready for church. It must be a Christmas service, as my mom is telling me to get a Christmas bow for my hair, etc. It’s funny because I know that back then, if I had known our conversation from the bathroom was being recorded as my mom brushed our hair and got us ready, I would have been really frustrated because it “ruined” my recording. Now here it is, probably 18 years later, and I have listened to that tape several times today just to hear my mom and dad talking with us, and appreciating what amazing parents I had.

So, I just wanted to write a little something to say, Happy Advent. And to encourage you to treasure the little things—like combing your children’s hair, decorating the tree, and even stepping on the pointy things. Appreciate your family, enjoy your friends, and really soak in the peace and joy of the season. And if there is some sadness in this season for you because you are missing someone special, treasure that emotion. Just let it pour over you as you remember the special times you had with that person. The way they felt. The way they smelled. The sound of their voice. Your tears are a tribute to their life. And sing your carols loud. My most treasured memory this season is remembering my Mam’a singing Christmas Carols. She didn’t have the best voice, but that is precisely why it was so memorable—and beautiful. Merry Christmas.